Family gatherings are such a joy for those out of work. There’s nothing like the a room full of friends and family members to bring out tons of inquiries on your job search efforts (usually in the form of “got a job yet?”), comments on how bad the economy is, suggestions on what you should be doing differently, and remarks about how you should or shouldn’t be spending your money this season. Ahhhhh, comfort food for the soul.

Before you give into the temptation to pour eggnog over the heads of some, keep in mind the intentions of those involved. Most of these people love and care about you. So why are they saying things that beat you down? It could be a few things. For one, they may naturally want to help you and you haven’t given them a way to do so. You haven’t specifically shared with them connections or ideas they may have access to that would enhance your efforts. If they have any knowledge you are under stress, there is naturally going to be a desire to want to help physically or mentally. If what they are offering in terms of help is off the mark, tell them so in a nice way and suggest alternatives.

Some might say avoiding the topic completely would be best. To accomplish that, you have to first ask yourself what signals have you been giving your friends and family members over the course of time. Has your job search and lack of employment dominated your world to the point it’s the only part of yourself you’ve shared with others freely? Are you so entrenched in the negative people are giving it back to you as a reflex? Often times what people say to us is in response, in some way, to what we’ve said to them first. People often mirror the actions, demeanor and words of others subconsciously. Before you judge those around you for not letting it go or for continually reminding you how awful things are, replay some of your own words and actions and consider if you’ve invited this on yourself.

For those who want a more positive experience over the holidays, I have two suggestions. One, come up with strategic ways your friends and family members can help in your job search and use the time with them to plant seeds. If that doesn’t interest you, come up with succinct and kind conversation redirects.

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I promise I’m not nuts when I tell you the unemployed have advantages in the job search process. Yes, employed individuals have the appearance of being in demand and are less likely to receive offers below their true value, but being unemployed has its perks. Let’s talk about some of them so those of you clinging to obstacles can refocus a bit.

First and foremost, the employed often have the burden of keeping their job search confidential. That means there are limits to who they can invite into their effort to secure employment. The unemployed aren’t bound by the need to be discreet. Many jobs are landed through word of mouth and networking. If you’re not working, shout it from the mountain tops. Make sure those you’ve connected with in the past, personally and professionally, are aware of your search. It could be professional contacts such as former supervisors, co-workers, subordinates, board members, vendors, clients and instructors. Personally, you could reach out to your banker, insurance agent, barber/hair stylist, neighbor, extended family and the like. There are people who know you who are aware of job openings or who could get you connected with those in the know.

Another advantage is availability. There is no need to pick and choose what interviews to pursue. Last minute scheduling isn’t an issue. Should the company benefit from an immediate start, it’s an option without any concern of burning bridges.

Next, is the ability to dedicate 40+ hours a week to job search. The employed have the responsibilities of their jobs to address in addition to their search. That’s no simple task. If the unemployed make their search a full-time commitment and use their time in a strategic and productive way, the advantage is clear. Sitting in front of a computer trolling websites doesn’t count, by the way. Too often, this advantage is squandered.

The final example I’ll share is the advantage of forced self-reflection. Losing a job is often the catalyst people need to take a hard look at their true interests and abilities. Most of us stay in our professions because it made sense to keep building on a path we chose, or fell into, at a young age. With all of the time in the world to devote to a job search, time can be found to explore dreams and passions in addition to options inline with past experience. Why not go for it and see where you end up?

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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? We’ve heard that before. Usually it’s tied to romantic relationships and the quest for commitment. These days some job seekers need to come to terms with the concept professionally.

At a recent round table for job seekers the topic of unpaid internships came up. Heavily experienced individuals were hearing stories about people working for free just to get their foot in the door of companies and wondered if they should consider that option. Check me for a rash. I can feel one coming on.

Unpaid internships are for people with little to no experience who are looking to break into the business world or into a new field. They are mutually beneficial. The intern gains experience and the business has free labor as a payback for them helping them learn the ropes. When a business brings an experienced person on in an unpaid internship, that’s not showing someone the ropes. That’s exploitation!

An individual with the qualifications to jump right in and do a job for a company should never pimp himself out for free as an intern. Perhaps you could volunteer for something, but allowing it to take on the tone of the company doing some grand favor for you, when you are the one giving, is poor judgment. I suspect it’s the job seekers themselves suggesting the arrangement with the hope of standing out.

Those explaining why others were making this decision kept coming back to “the economy.” When I hear “the economy” worked into rationale, I want to bang my head against a wall. Yes, we know. The economy is less than grand right now. And yes, there are other job seekers who are making extreme choices in an effort to find work. Perhaps they have to. That doesn’t mean everyone is in the same boat. One could choose to follow their lead and cross their fingers, of course. I’d much rather identify those who are finding the paying jobs in their field and emulate their choices.

At the end of the day job seekers have to ask themselves what would they really be getting out of the time they donated to a company? Would using the same time to focus on their job search produce better results? How would it feel if after donating their time in the form of a pseudo internship the company said thanks, goodbye and good luck? I reckon I wouldn’t be the only one with a rash at that point.

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My kids love the song, “Five Little Monkeys.” Even if you don’t have kids, you’ve likely heard it at some point in your life. It’s a counting song. You start with five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One falls off and bumps his head. Mama calls the doctor and the doctor says, “no more monkeys jumping on the bed.” The song then moves on to four little monkeys jumping on the bed. The inevitable happens, one falls off, is injured and mom has to call the doctor again. The doctor repeats his advice that the monkeys no longer be allowed to jump on the bed. The mom, who must take in advice with cotton filled ears, makes no changes to her kids’ form of entertainment. The song repeats itself until all of her five children have been injured by her inability to follow the doctor’s sound advice.

It makes me wonder why she bothered to keep picking up the phone and calling the doctor. She knew what he was going to say. She knew the root of the problem. Reaching out to an authority on children’s health wasn’t going to change a thing since the real issue lay in her commitment to take advice, change course and put an end to this vicious cycle.

I have to confess, there are times when I’m giving advice to job seekers I feel like that doctor on the phone repeating, to the point of blue lips, how an action someone is taking is damaging, counterproductive, futile or what have you. The job seeker thinks enough of my knowledge to solicit recommendations from me, but not enough to implement them. It’s not that the individual disagrees with my take. Quite the opposite. I’m often told how much sense my recommendations make. What stops people short is the fear of stepping out of their comfort zone. It can be a painful process. The thing is, it’s worth it in the end. When you weigh how painful remaining in one’s comfort zone can be against trying something new that stands a chance of giving better results, it’s a no brainer to me.

The monkeys’ mom was used to letting her kids jump on the bed. No matter the carnage, that was the norm so that’s what she stuck with. Listening to the doctor and coming up with another plan may have taken work and required an adjustment to her day, but it would have spared her little monkeys bumps and bruises.

Job seekers, don’t be the monkeys’ mama. There is no need to stick to your routine and endure the pain that goes along with doing so. When you reach out to experts with the knowledge and contacts to help you, grab on to what they have to offer and take that leap. Listen the first time and spare yourself the consequences of putting off much needed adjustments to your job search.

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There are several documentaries running right now showcasing individuals struggling to find work in this economic mess. It doesn’t go unnoticed many are in the 50+ crowd. To their credit, they are shown at various networking functions and support groups. Getting out of the house is a big step.

Still, I find myself frustrated and practically shouting at the television screen at times. Footage runs of individuals standing up in front of various groups or talking one-on-with others and relaying what types of opportunities they are looking for. Yay for being brave and getting the word out, but almost every time the person is talking about what they’ve done in the past and how they are hoping to find something similar. Guess what, something similar might not exist anymore! Using the time you have in front of others to ask for help finding something like what you had isn’t a good strategy.

Older candidates have a wealth of experience under their belts that is valuable and transferable to all sorts of situations. The key is to stop living in the past and look to the future. Examine what you have to bring to the table in general terms, weigh it against current business, social and political happenings and figure out where you fit. Where are your skills and abilities most likely to be relevant? How can you help a company or organization survive and grow through the next few years?

Now more than ever job seekers have to be part of the idea process. They have to be the ones showing a paralyzed business community how making a hire right now, namely them, is necessary and will benefit everyone in the end. The mood at the moment is more that businesses need to start hiring so people won’t lose their homes and so people can feel useful again. Businesses aren’t charities though. They can’t hire from the heart, they have to hire from the balance sheet. Job seekers who have taken a time to truly consider how they can positively affect a company’s balance sheet, regardless if that company is advertising for openings or not, have an edge.

Forget about what you’ve done in the past. Stop looking for what you lost. Instead, focus on the experience you’ve gained along the way and dissect it to the point you are able to pull from it evidence you have what it takes to help a company’s cash position. I can’t think of a business owner who wouldn’t be willing to give an ear, and possibly a job, to someone with a clear plan on how to make a company more successful.

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This week I heard a lot of good news. Several friends and clients are basking in interview requests and job offers. Care to know what all of them happen to have in common? All of them have connections to someone associated with the companies involved. They have an extra edge because they know someone, or know someone who knows someone, on the inside.

These individuals aren’t lucky or special. With effort and a little bit of courage, almost everyone has the potential to create their own good fortune through networking. We all know people who know people. There is no need to endure a cold and solitary job search. I’ve never understood how a job seeker could find it more scary to ask for help than to go it alone. All of the worries and stress that come from an extended and fruitless job search are definitely tougher on the ego than reaching out to others and braving a conversation or two.

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When I first got into the world of recruiting, the computer wasn’t a big part of the job. I had a computer for access to our company database, but I wasn’t trolling the internet and emailing all day long. In order to build relationships with candidates and corporate leaders and be in the know of key happenings in the business community, I had to get out as much as possible and stay visible. Rubbing elbows in professional circles was a must. My choices of where to spend my time had to be strategic. The phone was also key. I’d talk to dozens of people a day. Every conversation was intentional, with a planned discussion point and objective to accomplish. I am incredibly lucky to have learned the business during a time when computers had yet to take over the rituals and processes.

As great as the internet is, it would do many a world of good to pretend it doesn’t exist at times. Job seekers tend to use the computer as a crutch and fail to participate in the flesh and blood world of networking and relationship cultivation. That’s not to say the computer isn’t a valuable tool when on the hunt for a job. Conducting a job search without a computer would be tricky. Still, those who are able to step away from their cyber buddy and mingle with humanity have a definite advantage.

I use the computer in many ways, but most of the leads I get for jobs come from circulating with other professionals, asking good questions, placing strategic phone calls, dishing out help when I’m able and participating in community events. I hear about several jobs a week when I’m networking and mingling. To top it off, the opportunities I discover this way are less likely to be known to the masses. I’ll take the odds of going up against the select few who are aware of a lesser known opening than going up against the masses chasing the online job posting.

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My husband says the ‘F’ word. A lot. He doesn’t realize how often that little monster of a word works its way into his conversations. He is desensitized to the word from years of working around military personnel with a flair for colorful metaphors. If you asked my husband, he’d tell you he is good at self-censoring. He believes he is careful only to say such things in appropriate circles. Wrong. Whatever the appropriate circles might be, I can assure you he has F-bombed in situations that wouldn’t have qualified.

Just like the ‘F’ word, people often become desensitized to negativity. I often find myself on the receiving end of job seekers who “just need to vent.” So they do. They vent and vent and vent and vent and vent. When the venting is done, and both of us are exhausted, I cautiously throw out the suggestion the negative baggage they are carrying around may be contributing to their lack of success with their job searches. “Oh no, I’m just venting to you. I’d never be negative like this in front of an employer or anything.” Wanna bet?

I’ve encountered job seekers as someone doing interviewing and as someone trying to be a helpful resource. I have been on the receiving end of vents in both circumstances. When you allow yourself to become comfortable with things like venting, gossiping, and F-bombing, you just never know when such habits might sneak through your filters.

Venting is usually counterproductive behavior. It may feel good to point out how everyone else is wrong or how impossible things are, but it does little for convincing people you are a solutions-oriented, problem solver with an attitude capable of overcoming professional and personal obstacles. Add to that, most people who end up on the receiving end of a vent have no business being there. Friends, co-workers, coaches and the like could all contribute to you finding your next job. Their impression of you counts too. It’s great to want to make a good impression with prospective employers by not venting, but consider the importance of coming off in a positive way with those who aren’t employers. They are valuable too. Their impression of you could make things easier or harder.

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While grocery shopping today, I had an interesting encounter with a cashier. She was wearing a frown as she scanned my groceries. People attempting to line up behind me were quickly told of other available lanes with no waiting. Though that could count as good customer service, her suggesting they consider other cashiers had nothing to do with customer convenience. She was frustrated, as she comfortably confided in me, that her lane was always busy while other lanes weren’t. “By the end of the day I’m mad,” she offered. Trying to be understanding,I commented she must be tired from having more customers to attend to. “That’s not it,” she admitted. “I don’t think it’s fair that I constantly have people in my lane and others get to stand around and do nothing.”

Before going further, I have to admit “that’s not fair” arguments make me twitch and spasm a bit. The expectation anything in life can be completely fair at all times is unreasonable. There are times when we have it easier than others and times when we have it harder. It’s part of the human experience. Interestingly, we rarely complain about how unfair life is when the sun is shining on us. Our sense of justice tends to swing one way.

Back to the angry cashier. By stewing over what she views as an imbalance, she is missing the bigger picture. When she proclaimed her situation unfair, my immediate opinion was “absolutely!” Not in the way she would suspect, however. In my view, she has the better deal. She’s busy enough the day passes quickly. She has more interaction with customers, so she builds more experience and establishes more relationships that could benefit her in the future. She is more valuable to the organization. Whether it’s their fault or not, the cashiers standing around with nothing to do stick out more as not pulling their weight. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes if management had to make decisions about who to lay off. Yes, things are unfair. Lucky her.

Another possibility to consider is that people choose her lane because they like her. I know I do. She’s efficient and usually friendly. Sometimes being busier than your co-workers is a testament to how customers and management view you. How is that something to be upset about? So today she waved people off to other lanes, mumbled and muttered. Such a shame.

There are many times when our situations can’t change readily. Our perspective can though. Perspective can keep us sane, positive and reasonable. Perspective can save us from sabotaging the good things we have going for us in life. Imagine if this cashier were to seek out other employment opportunities in retaliation for things not being fair where she works. Having interviewed hundreds of angry people in my career, I’d be willing to bet she’d openly share her frustration over having to work more than her co-workers. Not quite the foundation for a superstar impression. “I want to leave because I was busy all day at work.” Lovely.

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Remember that company you approached 3,6, 9 or even 12 months ago that said it had no openings? Is that still true? There is no way to know if you haven’t kept in touch with the contacts you made there. Many job seekers make the mistake of turning a company’s account of its current situation into a permanent truth. Just because a company didn’t have much in the way of opportunity in the past doesn’t mean the same is true now. Things change. Those in the recruiting business understand the value of finding a strategic way to stay in touch with decision makers in key companies so they will be there when the time is right. Assuming a company will never have a need again is just about as bad as believing the company will remember you after only one contact months later when a job does come available.The process of finding a job needs to be about forming relationships and tending to them regularly.

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